An island one thousand miles north of Ibiza (part 2)

An island none thousand miles north of Ibiza

(part two)

Spain.

Mediterranean climate with hot, dry summers.

Spain also had early constitutional governance,sea-going military opportunities, strategic marriages, political reforms, and technological innovation.

Imagine, that in the same week that our old hypothetical friend was born in Blackpool, another one was born a thousand miles south.

In Ibiza.

As a related footnote — according to research conducted on every Ryanair return flight from Ibiza to London Stansted — the single most said phrase on the flight was actually a gutteral moan that emerged from the passenger when they have successfully slumped their hungover body into their assigned seat for takeoff.
The phrase is :{} Whyyyyiiiii was I not born in Ibitha.

But back to our hypothetical friend. Let's call him Fernando.

Within his lifetime, how motivated do you think Fernando will be was to build a boat that can also fire a cannon?

He may grow up and decide he would like to cut and haul lumber for several hours every day so that he can help outfit the armada. Maybe one day he'll have an original brainwave and finally figure out how to innovate the topmast.

However, we must remind Fernando that it is 75 degrees outside today, sunny, got olives, wine, and some salted fish for lunch and you already promised Ygnacia that he'd take her to the beach today.

Also, did you see the way that she was looking at you the other day ?? And you didn't understand it at the time Fernando, but now in hindsight it seems like she was talking about your ship's top mast like a lot.

This scenario is completely made up and probably unrealistic. But I'm afraid it illustrates a grim, and completely true historical reality.

Defeat of the Spanish Armada (1588)

I don't think a 46% ship death rate really exemplifies a "Great and Most Fortunate Navy". Want to know how they did against the English??? Those Blackpool boys were absolutely mowing them down.

1. Battle of Gravelines
This was the most significant and decisive engagement. The English fleet, led by Lord Charles Howard and Sir Francis Drake, attacked the Spanish Armada in close quarters. The English used smaller, more maneuverable ships and innovative tactics like fire ships to break the Spanish formation.
Victor: England

1. Battle of Portland
The English fleet harried the Spanish Armada, attempting to disrupt their crescent formation. The Armada, commanded by the Duke of Medina Sidonia, managed to fend off the English attacks but suffered damage and was kept on a defensive course.
Victor: England

2. Battle of Isle of Wight
The English fleet engaged the Spanish Armada to prevent them from anchoring at the Isle of Wight. Fierce fighting ensued, but the Spanish were unable to secure a safe anchorage and were forced to move on.
Victor: England

3. Battle of Calais
The Spanish Armada anchored off Calais to rendezvous with the Duke of Parma’s troops. The English launched a night attack using fire ships, causing panic and scattering the Spanish fleet. This led directly to the Battle of Gravelines.
Victor: England

It would appear that England was wiping the ocean floor with these poor, sun-tanned Spanish sea bastards in the 16th century.

And so there you have it folks — a perfectly plausible argument as to why England became the global super power of the 2nd millennium.

Also — in case you're wondering — Fernando did get called into the Navy and had simply a great and most fortunate career. On his fourth night on the ship, some lice landed in his hair. These few lice quickly multiplied into many lice, including the one that would give him the Typhus virus. Fernando started to have really painful headaches, then rashes appeared on his neck, arms, and waist. He was lowered to the ocean floor with a canonball after three weeks of delirium, unsuccessful bloodletting, and multiple organ failure. And what's super weird is that the guy who had Fernando's cot right before him died of the exact same thing.

But anyway — back to the original thesis.

I said that England became the empire that dominated the globe in the 2nd half of last millennium by developing naval military prowess, which segued well to global commerce via sea trading. Yet now you and I will also know that this is ultimately due to the depressing, dark grey, moist, melancholy, mind-altering English winter weather.

Thus, if anyone asks you — why do Americans speak English? why is cricket is the sport of India? why does queen Elizabeth appears on Australian banknotes? — Please reference this research by it's catchphrase:

The sun never set on the British Empire because it rarely shone on the motherland !!

Note: This is point is best made if the catchphrase is yelled very loudly. No one at the dinner parties have questioned the historical accuracy of my claim when I've screamed it. In fact, they often refuse to speak to me for the rest of the evening.